Suck My Job

Love Math (not all it's cracked up to be)

2010-04-15T20:51:00.001-07:00

Alright so it's been a while, I apoligize, but getting fired/ quitting really kind of slows down a blog about my shitty job.

But let's rap for a moment about my shitty life (shut your face white bread, you know what I ment). I'm alone in the world, I don't mean in terms of lifestyle, you're reading this blog after all so you must need some sort of pick me up in your life as well.

No, what I'm refering to is the fact that for some reason I can't seem to find a girl who's looking for an unemployed downer.

Now, that was on some level a joke, but let's consider for a second that when I did work, it was in a shit factory (see also: the post about the shitty DVD racks we make/ every other god awful work story I've shared) and made little more then $10 an hour during the prime "spending time with you" hours of the day. Multiply this by the number of bottle penis I witnessed while working there, divide that by the fact that all of the guys I worked with had girlfriends and you get an intersting total.

Money and Large Dicks (bottle or otherwise) are the only things that can get me a girlfriend.

Don't lie, I know I'm right, I was good at math in school.

It's why I applied to Wal Mart.

-SMJ

Bad blogging

2010-03-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

So I havn't bloged in a while. I plan to change that but here's the update:

-I lost my job
-I lost my girlfriend
-I just got ditched on a date I've looked forward to all week

-the date was with my beautiful best friend who I'm in love with

My life is a movie

-SMJ

Huge (shitty) Rack

2009-10-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

Today I bought a DVD rack from Wal Mart.

The rack was a total piece of shit:

-The "pre drilled holes" were totally off and it was obvious that the person that drilled them was a moron.

-The paint was chunky, gross and inconsist. the painter must have been stoned and the line inspector had to have been asleep.

-The legs were bent and twisted. again, whoever was inspecting this shit must have been screwin a dog at the time.

- The wood was a piece of junk and they clearly tried to fill the holes and failed miserably.

I ended up just using wood glue to put it together, but it looks trashy so it's probably not staying. My main issue...The rack cost me my full weeks paycheuqe.

The kicker? I checked the box to see who to swear at, it was my old factory...my inspection number.

-SMJ

I'm out...

2009-09-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

so I finally got my balls up (whatever that unpleasant image means) and i quit my stupid fucking job. the only problem is....well I’m a filmmaker, which qualifies me to do....nothing....

I'm on the job hunt but it's hard to say where I'll ultimately end up...I can only hope it's some cushy minimum wage job like grocery clerk or movie theater usher (don't even pretend you fucking lifers...it's not a hard job, if a teenager can do it stoned...then it's not a hard job, i think we all know that)

Until that happens there wont be to much to announce. hopefully you still check in from time to time.

If all else fails i guess i could go back to the plant. the boss thought i was stoned at the time of the fire so he wrote me down for 2 weeks stress leave (which I didn’t get paid for):

"it happens, this way you wont get in shit when you come back....just share next time ya fuckin prick" he said laughing.

I can go back anytime i like....and i don't know what part of that i should be most sad about..

-SMJ

Fire Leave

2009-09-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

This won’t take long, just a quick update on where I've been. I recently accidentally caused a fire on the inside of the oven.

I got really board at work and sort of went to go pee in the middle of a wood shift. While I was gone a piece of wood got stuck, overheated and then caught fire. It shut the plant down and I’ve been suspended without pay for two weeks.

I guess that seems pretty fair....

This is of course devastating because....I hate my fucking job. I do miss the money though, and so I've considered this basically me getting fired and have been looking for another job. I go back in about a week but I'm hoping to whip out a bottle penis and take a metaphorical leak on the plant manager.

Until then...I guess I’ll watch FOX and complain about Obama.

-SMJ

Grandpa

2009-09-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today I found out that grandpa was once a great athlete at the top of his game. As he grew older he became tired and began work at the factory as a supervisor. For reasons unknown to me, But not un imaginable, he has a terrible temper and one night decided enough was enough. He was then demoted from his position of supervisor and now works with me.

There is no joke here; I simply wished to present the story to you. I have been vague on details out of respect for grandpa, but I imagine you get the general idea.

I will keep you posted on further hijinx and stories that come my way via grandpa, but in the meantime, I hope that I have helped to begin painting a picture of the man.

-SMJ

Naked Chick, Grandpa, A Robot and The Girl

2009-09-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. I was lucky enough it seems, to open my computer up to a virus and so I’ve been sort if not able to access any computer type files as a hacker has decided to do so on my computer instead.

Today’s story involves grandpa and the girl. I’ll keep it brief, basically grandpa brought a fold out poster from a porn magazine of a chick on some sort of weird sex machine thing. Now, I like females and certainly naked females are ok by me as well, but this picture even a little graphic for someone of my heterosexual persuasion. But never the less, the old man (who most defiantly has grandkids) does seem to have the material at this disposal, and what’s more, he had devised a plan for what he was going to do with it. I have no idea what about the poster made the old fuck think it would be good idea to tape it to the back of the girls’ sweater but that’s exactly what he did.

As planned, there came a point where the girl decided to put her sweater on and walk around and plant with this porn poster plastered to her back. Everyone thought this was pretty fuckin hilarious. Even I cracked a smile. but after a while this situation started to piss me off, not only because the prank was is bad taste or because the girl has turned out to be kind of a sweetheart, but also because I knew I was the only one who gave a damn enough to tell her that she had “a naked chick being fucked by a robot” on her back.

Unfortunately I didn’t want to impose so I didn’t say anything about it.

-SMJ

Notes On "Health Care Reform"

2009-08-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the health care issue,

I don't want to get overly political here, but I am a Canadian and as such i've had my fair share of trips to the doctor and I have yet to sell the shirt off my back to do so. As a result i consider myself sort of an expert on the topic (i also read books sometimes so...that's where there other expertness comes from)

Now in reality, the U.S will never have "Nationalized Health Care".

how do i know?

because apparently the bible says something about it being a bad idea (which..the version I read didn't but...who knows...)and that's pretty much all it takes for americans to shape laws* (*see also: slave trade, abortion and prop 8)

that in mind, i figured i'd put my thoughts out there just for fun (and please...if you read this, be sure to tell others, regardless of your or their view i would really like to engage in a discussion to better both of our understanding of the two sides).

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***I'll update this post every now and then so be sure to check in, please don't look at this as an attack, I have health care, I like it, it's not for everyone.....I just thought it would be interesting to fire back with the same "passion" I've been seeing, hearing and reading in the media.***

so here is what (in my understanding) is not being yelled at town hall meetings as the "learnid people who don't know nothin about real issues" (like that goofy looking black guy for example) are trying to talk:

Dear American Right, Just say "it's every man for himself cause we don't give a F***" and we can drop this bull shit game

Dear American Right, to my knowledge nationalized health care has never lead to the capture of down syndrome babies by death squads in my country

Dear American Right, Jesus put a man's ear back on....FREE OF CHARGE!! cause he knew it was a good idea.

-SMJ

Marking Territory

2009-08-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

My one day of relief is over, "The Girl" was out today...as were the plastic bottles....in full force yet again.

Today one of my older coworkers (one of the grandfathers) came up behind me with his bottle penis and "urinated" on me.

when i turned around to see what was pissing on my leg grandpa laughed at me and began to chant:

"i'm the boss, i'm the boss, motha fucka don't you eva forget, i'm the boss".

-SMJ

New Girl

2009-08-03T23:23:00.000-07:00

Today we got a new girl in the department. to be fair she's the only "girl" in the department, all the other females are in their mid 40's or later.

anyway, as I may or may not have mentioned I am (was) the youngest member of the night shift crew by 5 years, this new girl however is a few months younger than me and as such she is regarded as a shinny new toy by my male coworkers.

now let me clarify something, this girl is cute, there's no denying that, but most of these guys are fathers and grandfathers (on the delivering side of abandonment perhaps, but it still counts) and yet the "passes" and sexual gestures behind her back (quite literally) were out in full force an hour into the shift.

now there's a lot that can be said about this entire situation, most of which isn't really that funny and most of which i would personally be lying to myself about as a warm blooded sexually charged male. the basic facts come down to this:

-she's cute, and having her around defiantly makes the night a lot better.

-if it keeps everyone happy then it can't be all that bad

-she knows what type of a work place this is, by walking in there dressed like megan fox and having little beads of sweat slowly run down your body your clearly aware of the attention you'll be receiving (which again...i noticed it too...I'm not gonna lie about that)

-she's been there a day and already she's in the running to get a better job placement than me (I watch paint dry for those of you just tuning in)

-did i mention she's cute...cause she is...like almost illegally so given the general "shit faces" that tend to work in this factory.

and finally

- I didn't see a bottle penis once tonight. it seems as though having a girl around has actually cleaned up the joint.

my verdict: "this girl is a good thing, I intend to bring her to all future factory jobs (if i ever manage to get the fuck out of this one)"

-SMJ

Disney Princesses

2009-07-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

today we all voted on which disney princess "we would most like to bang".

I will not go into a lot of detail as I know people are sensitive in this regard. I will however say that it was ultimately decided that while being a lion does not disqualify Simba, being a prince rather then princess does result in disqualification.

-SMJ

p.s- the cops pulled me over on the way home, apparently i have the same car as a suspected rapist/murderer. they were super edgy...like..."throw your keys out the window and step out of the car please" edgy. but ultimately they apologized and I went home....looking back on it...it was a pretty big deal......SHIT! (couldn't make it up if i tried).

Bottle Penis

2009-07-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a grown ass man pretend that a water bottle (a reused Gatorade bottle to be exact) was his penis.

"how so?" you may ask. what a foolish decision on your part.

he began by dangling the bottle between his knees (this on it's own was sort of amusing). he then began stroking it in an effort to arose himself and his plastic penis (I apologize if this upsets you...try seeing it not in your imagination...it hurts more because you realize someone thinks this is clever)(this became less amusing) he then walked behind a female coworker and proceeded to "ejaculate" by spraying her in the back with water.

now some of you may cry fowl, "this is most certainly sexual harassment!" you will say to yourself as you pretend to write a novel at the back of your local starbucks (that's right, we know..), but you yet again are being foolish.

why? because not everyone has the same sense of humor (or opinions on what warrants a harassment complaint) as you.

rather then crying fowl the female coworker instead responded by laughing and bending over a work bench crying out "hit me with a chair leg biggy!".

this man is my supervisor.

-SMJ

Shit Shoes

2009-07-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

So I happened to walk into this gem of a conversation between two coworkers in the break room during my dinner break tonight. what was said before it I can basically use my imagination for but here is what was said to me as I pulled my lunch bag out of the fridge:

".........see you I wouldn't talk to if you were having a shit in the stall next to me, you aint got enough paint on your boots, I wouldn't know you were from paint line."

now while it is true that my boots are seemingly paint free, that wasn't exactly the part of the comment that bothered me.

A.) these two were having a discussion about having a discussion while "having a shit"

B.) If my boots WERE dirty I would be expected to shoot the shit (mostly no pun intended) while using the bathroom. this is especially concerning as I get quite tired while at work and usually opt to sit and pee as it provides a mini break time.

and finally

C.) apparently there is also a class system when "shit talking". My boots having paint on them indicate that I am from paint line and therefor are allowed to socialize while using the toilet. however if i had some other sort of dirt on my boots (perhaps sawdust) from another part of the factory then I am going to have a very lonely poo.

-SMJ

Let's Start Off

2009-07-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

I work in a wood furniture factory.

I work in the section where we paint the wood.

My job is to set next to the oven and check the wood to make sure it's painted ok.

That's right,

my job is to quite literally watch paint dry.

I watch paint dry 3pm to 3 am each day.

I don't imagine I'll work there much longer.

It's not exactly what I plan to do for the rest of my life.

for now though, for now I will sleep, in preparation for my skull fuck of a job.

p.s: I swear so please take that into consideration before reading this post, although I guess that warning came a little too after the fact, the damage has already been done....sort of like late night fetish t.v.......

-SMJ