Disney Princesses

today we all voted on which disney princess "we would most like to bang".

I will not go into a lot of detail as I know people are sensitive in this regard. I will however say that it was ultimately decided that while being a lion does not disqualify Simba, being a prince rather then princess does result in disqualification.

-SMJ

p.s- the cops pulled me over on the way home, apparently i have the same car as a suspected rapist/murderer. they were super edgy...like..."throw your keys out the window and step out of the car please" edgy. but ultimately they apologized and I went home....looking back on it...it was a pretty big deal......SHIT! (couldn't make it up if i tried).

Bottle Penis

Today I watched a grown ass man pretend that a water bottle (a reused Gatorade bottle to be exact) was his penis.

"how so?" you may ask. what a foolish decision on your part.

he began by dangling the bottle between his knees (this on it's own was sort of amusing). he then began stroking it in an effort to arose himself and his plastic penis (I apologize if this upsets you...try seeing it not in your imagination...it hurts more because you realize someone thinks this is clever)(this became less amusing) he then walked behind a female coworker and proceeded to "ejaculate" by spraying her in the back with water.

now some of you may cry fowl, "this is most certainly sexual harassment!" you will say to yourself as you pretend to write a novel at the back of your local starbucks (that's right, we know..), but you yet again are being foolish.

why? because not everyone has the same sense of humor (or opinions on what warrants a harassment complaint) as you.

rather then crying fowl the female coworker instead responded by laughing and bending over a work bench crying out "hit me with a chair leg biggy!".

this man is my supervisor.

-SMJ

Shit Shoes

So I happened to walk into this gem of a conversation between two coworkers in the break room during my dinner break tonight. what was said before it I can basically use my imagination for but here is what was said to me as I pulled my lunch bag out of the fridge:

".........see you I wouldn't talk to if you were having a shit in the stall next to me, you aint got enough paint on your boots, I wouldn't know you were from paint line."

now while it is true that my boots are seemingly paint free, that wasn't exactly the part of the comment that bothered me.

A.) these two were having a discussion about having a discussion while "having a shit"

B.) If my boots WERE dirty I would be expected to shoot the shit (mostly no pun intended) while using the bathroom. this is especially concerning as I get quite tired while at work and usually opt to sit and pee as it provides a mini break time.

and finally

C.) apparently there is also a class system when "shit talking". My boots having paint on them indicate that I am from paint line and therefor are allowed to socialize while using the toilet. however if i had some other sort of dirt on my boots (perhaps sawdust) from another part of the factory then I am going to have a very lonely poo.

-SMJ

Let's Start Off

I work in a wood furniture factory.

I work in the section where we paint the wood.

My job is to set next to the oven and check the wood to make sure it's painted ok.

That's right,

my job is to quite literally watch paint dry.

I watch paint dry 3pm to 3 am each day.

I don't imagine I'll work there much longer.

It's not exactly what I plan to do for the rest of my life.

for now though, for now I will sleep, in preparation for my skull fuck of a job.

p.s: I swear so please take that into consideration before reading this post, although I guess that warning came a little too after the fact, the damage has already been done....sort of like late night fetish t.v.......

-SMJ